I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
