we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
