My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
