ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
