Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
