fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
