I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
