i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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