When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
