I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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