I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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