i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
