I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
