They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
