You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
