I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
