Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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