when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize