She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
