You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
