so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
