He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
