watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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