3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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