she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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