There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
