He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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