Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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