So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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