Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
