Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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