i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
