I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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