I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
