Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
