It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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