Where are you?
In a non slutty way
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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