I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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