I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
