There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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