You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize