my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
