he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
