No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize