I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
