Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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