dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize