He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize