Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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