I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
