My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
