Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
