A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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