I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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