Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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