It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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