last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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