I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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