Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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