I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
