Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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