Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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