So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
