the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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