It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
