He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
