Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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