I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
