Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
