You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
