It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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