Responsibility does not care about your dick.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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