I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
